


Larry Bird and the Quest for the Clitoris

by Lizardbeth



Category: The Neighbors (TV 2012)
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Sex, F/M, Sexual Humor, Yuleporn, aliens learning about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-05 07:44:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizardbeth/pseuds/Lizardbeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Larry Bird (not THAT Larry Bird- the one from space) does what every intelligent person would do when faced with a problem: research!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Larry Bird and the Quest for the Clitoris

**Author's Note:**

  * For [debirlfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/debirlfan/gifts).



> Would take place sometime after "Fifty Shades of Green". 
> 
> No actual people were harmed in the making of this fic.

* * *

 

Carly liked books, that was why she worked at the bookstore. She got a nice discount and some advance copies to read, and she got to help people find books they would come back and tell her they loved.

But sometimes there were … weirdos, that was a fact. There was the guy who tried to tell her his theory on Jon Snow, and there was the lady who liked to circle the romance section like she thought she was a ninja and no one would ever see her go into that aisle.

But the guy who came up to the help desk took the cake. He had some kind of accent - English maybe - and he dressed in a polo shirt that was way too tight and plaid pants that were way too ugly. He had glasses and when he came up to her, he seemed a bit … overly enthusiastic.

She smiled at him politely. "Can I help you find something?"

"I need a book," he declared. "An instructional manual."

"Um, okay? What topic?"

He announced loudly enough the Twilight Clone Section in the back heard him: "How to satisfy a woman in sex."

Carly blinked, and a nervous laugh escaped before she could stop it.

He went on, leaning forward, and she leaned equally farther back. "My wife," he declared seriously, and was thankfully not almost shouting it. "We have been trying new things, and yet it does not work properly. So I have decided to research into the methods. I tried asking my neighbors but they weren't helpful."

The word research managed to kickstart her brain and she only had to clear her throat a little to find her voice and tell him where to go. He passed with a stack of books to take to the register, and she couldn't help a raised eyebrows.

He came back to her, frowning. "Is there something wrong with my selections? Will these be useful?"

"I, uh, don't really know," she blushed. "I was only thinking that's a lot of books. And maybe… though this is a bookstore I know, but maybe reading isn't your only option of how to learn new - um - intimate things." She had to clear her throat, feeling awkward, but he leaned in closer, eyes sort of buggy behind his thick-rimmed glasses.

"Oh? Yes, you have other advice?" he asked curiously, and his smile was rather disarming, especially when he spoke in that accent.

"Well, I was thinking-" she started, "that maybe seeing it would be better." As soon as the words were out, she felt her cheeks heat with a furious blush. _Why am I giving sex advice to a man probably old enough to be my dad?_

"An instructional video? We have those," he said with an eager nod.

"More like… porn," she answered and shrugged awkwardly. "You know, on the internet. Watch out for computer viruses and such, but you could search out whatever you're trying to do and maybe there'll be some, like, examples?"

"Ah. The internet," he said, nodding. "Of course. I know just the person who can help me."

 _Oh, dear, I am so sorry_ , she said to the unknown person who was going to get that particular inquiry.

"Thank you, Carly--" he trailed off, voice lifting in a question asking for her last name and she gave it automatically.

"Patterson," she finished.

His nod was polite. "Thank you, Carly Patterson." He got two steps before turning around. "Carly Patterson?" He frowned at her, a little too strongly, as if trying to peer under her skin.

She smiled, though curious that her name was familiar to him at all. Maybe he had a daughter who was into the sport. "I was on Team USA for gymnastics, a few years back, if you're trying to remember where you heard my name before."

"Ah. An actual sports figure." His nod of his head was almost a bow. "I thought you might be one of my people from the first wave. Thank you, Carly Patterson. You've been quite helpful."

Amused, she smiled at him and gave a wave as he crossed to the register and still bought all the books.

* * *

 

The rather perfunctory knock on her door wasn't her parents, or Reggie, and since the door opened without Amber calling for someone to enter, Amber braced herself.

It was Larry Bird, bounding in like an awkward puppy. It was very hard for Amber to remember sometimes that he was an actual space alien, and not just a weirdo.

"Amber Weaver," he declared in that way of his that made everything sound like he was making pronouncements, "I would ask your assistance on an important matter."

She turned from her homework. "Hi."

He took that unenthusiastic greeting as permission to continue. "Since our mating day, I have been attempting to please Jackie Joyner-Kersee with your human ways without success--"

Amber felt her eyes balloon as she stared. He was not going to talk to her about this, no. This could not be. She cut him off. "You should talk to my mom. Or my dad. Well, no, probaby mom would be better. Because no, just no. I don't want to hear about any more alien sex rituals."

"This is not our people, but yours. A nice young human female at the bookstore suggested I find examples on The Internet. Porn, she called it. And I know you are the expert at finding things on The Internet. So I thought you could help me find this porn."

 _I am sorry, bookstore worker, that you got dragged into the alien weirdness_ , Amber sent out to the person before hiding her face in her arm. "Oh, God."

"Would you help?" Larry Bird asked her. "It is important to me, to help her be content, and yet it eludes me."

He sounded so earnest. And he wanted to make his wife happy, and okay this was all about sex which was totally inappropriate, but he was an alien with no sense of appropriate. He had shared his people's way, and probably her parents hadn't been very helpful about the human side of things. Amber was pretty sure she had been plucked out of a cabbage patch, because there was no way her parents had ever done the thing. And still didn't. Ever, because that was horrible to imagine.

But her neighbors were aliens and they sometimes just tried so fucking hard to figure out humans. Amber, who had yet to figure them out herself, had some sympathy.

He continued, "I don't know where even to start. Your Internet is vast and full of diseases."

Amber closed her eyes. "I am such a sucker for helplessness," she muttered. "But okay. Because I think it's actually pretty sweet that you want to do this our way and do it right. But let's get one thing quite straight. You can't tell my parents what specifically I'm helping you with. Because it's not exactly appropriate."

He nodded seriously, as if he understood, though she was pretty sure he didn't. But at least the door was open so it wouldn't look like they were doing anything inappropriate, and she could hear if anyone was coming up the stairs. She sat at her desk and woke up her laptop. "Let's see what we can find."

Because she'd never actually looked for porn on the internet, and why not?

She and Larry got a bit too interested in what was going on and she missed her father's tread on the stairs. And his entry into her room. And how he was soon standing not far from Larry and watching over her shoulder as that guy put his head between the woman's legs.

"What the hell is this?" her dad asked.

She jumped so violently startled she nearly overturned her chair, and her voice was a squeak. "Dad?"

"How did you think that watching porn with my daughter was appropriate?" her dad's voice rose.

"Dad, it was research," she tried. "He wanted to know how to make her happy. That's all."

"You, young lady, be quiet. We'll talk to you later. And as for you--" he turned back to Larry.

Larry grinned at him. "Amber Weaver was most kind to help me," he said earnestly. "And now she has given me the answer through her most learned search of The Internet and its Porn. The Clitoris. I do not understand why human anatomy makes such things so small on the female, but perhaps it is to make the search for it the more delightful. Why did you not inform me of this important area, Marty Weaver? I could have been satisfying Jackie Joyner-Kersee weeks ago with both fingers and mouth many weeks ago…"

Watching her dad's face cycle between red and white and his mouth open and close like a fish was going to be the best part of this day, Amber decided. Maybe the week. 

"Yeah, let's not talk about such things in front of Amber." Her dad pushed Larry's shoulder, not very gently, to get him out of the room.

As soon as her dad slammed the door behind them, and Amber was alone in her room again, she started to snicker and then laughed into her pillow until tears were in her eyes.

When she lifted her head again, the video was still playing on the screen. She watched for a moment, but they'd reached the mechanical grunting part, and it was pretty boring. She stopped the playback and went back to her homework.

* * *

 

Jackie returned from the park to find the house too quiet. "Hello?" she called.

"Upstairs," Larry Bird's voice drifted from the direction of the bedchamber. Jackie started up the stairs, finding his jacket on the second step. Trousers on the landing. She picked up both, frowning at this untidiness that was most unlike her husband.

His shirt was on the floor before their door, and she looked up to find him on the bed. He was without clothing except the red negligee that she had come to like on him. It was quite … fetching.

"I sent the children to the Weavers," he told her. "I learned a new technique about these bodies from Amber Weaver-"

"From Amber Weaver?" Jackie repeated, feeling a strange uneasiness. 

"She showed me this thing called porn. On The Internet," he explained, and Jackie felt relieved. Reggie Jackson held interest in Amber Weaver; it was improper for his father to seek the attention of the same female.

"And what did Amber Weaver's porn show you?" Jackie asked.

Larry Bird's voice took on that deeper tone that made her _magillas_ flutter, "How to please you. And this squishy, soft human form. I believe I now understand what to do."

Jackie dropped the clothes to the rug and shut the door, in case the children returned unexpectedly. There were things their young minds were not ready for, particularly the mess.

Larry crooked his fingers to beckon her near. "I should undress you."

"I can undress myself."

"Of course, my wife, but I should like to do it. For you."

"All right." Shrugging, she let him remove her skirt, blouse, and uncomfortable undergarments. And there was something about letting him do it, which she liked, especially when his hands smoothed her skin. So much touching should have felt uncomfortable - this was not at all how they shared intimacy, which was far more mental than disgustingly fleshy - but it was pleasant. Her skin liked his touch, feeling warmer when his fingers passed over it.

His hand coaxed her into the bed and to lie upon her back. They had tried this part before - and while it was not uncomfortable entirely that he had put his penis into her, it had not been more than a strange sensation. "Husband, I think this is just not our way."

"Wait, wife. There is more to this," he told her. "I was unaware of the clitoris."

She cast her mind through the catalogue of human anatomical terms coming nup with nothing. "The what?"

"I also read that it can be called the Nub of Pleasure or the Seed of Delight," he told her, though she still had no idea what he was talking about.

But she pulled down his mouth to hers. That part at least she understood and she liked. Sometimes it tasted unfortunately like what he had eaten hours ago, but sometimes she didn't notice because his lips on hers gave her little fluttery feelings inside. Also kissing often let them share intimacy their own way, allowing them to bypass the ritual, and let their minds open to one another, at least briefly.

That was nice. Sometimes she and Larry Bird were so busy pretending to be human, that they seemed to lose track of their bond. Kissing reestablished it, and she was pleased to have discovered this side-effect of human pairing.

"But wait, my wife," he pulled back and she let out a disappointed groan.  "I want to try this."

"Oh very well, my husband. Then we will do the kissing again."

"Yes, we will," he promised, and a rill of excitement went down her back.

He continued to kiss her, but not her lips, as his mouth traveled down her body. She was more impressed that he was bringing himself to do this than the motions themselves. Though it was pleasant enough - and then suddenly his lips seized the tip of her right breast, like a human infant suckling, and her body flinched involuntarily.

He pulled away at once, alarmed. "Was it hurtful?" he asked in concern. "I thought it looked strange on the monitor, yet she seemed to like it… perhaps it was another lie on The Internet…"

"No, no," she reassured him. "It was not hurtful. Strange, yes, but not hurtful. I think - " she paused to consider. "I think I liked it. You may try again."

More tentatively he tried again, and there was a reflex in her arm to keep his mouth there when he tried to move. "No, again, the other side, my husband. This feels appealing."

Willingly, he moved to the other side to do the same, sucking gently and licking the tip until she felt that perhaps air was thinning in their room.

He moved across her stomach, hands on her skin and then between her legs to part them. But instead of preparing himself to enter her, he moved his entire body between her legs so most of him was not even on the bed anymore. She pushed her torso up on her elbows to look at him. "Husband, you seem so far away. That seems impractical that I cannot touch you, too."

"This is something new," he reminded her. "Humans do not always share intimacy at the same moment." She was about to ask what good it was, but then he said, "Relax your human form. I should like to try."  

"I don't think I like this," she muttered, but put her head on the pillow. "Continue, husband."

The tips of his fingers first traced her hips and then between her legs so gently that her body squirmed, feeling hungry for more of that. He tried again, running a finger across her vaginal opening, barely sliding within, to part them. And then, suddenly when he was at the forward most end, his finger brushed against something and her nerves jerked in an involuntary spasm. "Oh!"

"I think I have found it!" he exclaimed in excitement.

"You found something," she agreed. "Something I did not know was even there."

"Ah, and now I know what to do with it, the instructional video was not very detailed, but I can try options," he said and his fingers returned to touch _that spot_ again, with small caresses.

"It seems very… sensitive," she complained afteer a moment. "There is friction. I think this is not quite--"

Before she could finish the sentence, she felt his hair against her thighs and then his lips seize that swollen lump of raw nerves and suck gently.

She let out a startled shriek and her spine arched. He drew away, but before he could issue any apologies, she begged breathlessly, "Do it again, Larry Bird. Do it again. _Please."_

So he did it again. This time she didn't shriek, but she did have to bite her lip to keep back embarassing sounds as his lips and then his tongue caressed that little spot and delved deeper before returning to that button until she was writhing, completely forgetting who she was and where she was anything but the intense new feelings being raised within her. They were raw and untamed, but rushed through her intensely.

She felt hot and cold, and strangely light and yet all on fire, and her body was completely out of her control for a moment. And then she reached down and grabbed her husband's hair, and pulled him up to her to make him kiss her.

He tasted of her, her scent and her moisture on his lips and tongue, and it was glorious.

He must have been thinking the exact same thing at that moment, because _completion_  cracked through them both, laying their minds open to each other, side by side, nestled together in an intimacy far greater than this dirty messy glorious human coupling.

The lightbulbs all exploded and the entire house went dark with the intensity of their mating.

Some time later, she was still panting as she gathered her voice. "Husband?"

"Yes, my wife?" he asked, sounding somewhat sleepy. His voice was affectionate as his free hand idly caressed her arm.

 "I would like for you to do that again."

"I would like that also."

It was a brief moment they rested together, and the front door opened down below. A few minutes later, Reggie Jackson's voice called up to them, complaining, "You blew out the television! Next time, mate inside the ship! Please!"

Larry Bird sniffed in disdain. "Human electronics are so fragile."

"But their bodies do have certain advantages," she reminded him, smiling. "However appalling they appear at first."

"Just so." His hand covered hers. "I learned of another technique we could try next time. They call it bondage."

She lifted her eyebrows, intrigued, as she curled up closer. This experience of being human seemed to be improving daily.


End file.
